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Most of us have heard about these two famous people. Schumacher is a germany formula one driver and he is the greatest driver the sport has ever seen. Ronaldo is a brazilian soccer player and he is one of the best soccer players in the world. There are some simillar things between these two people . Schumacher is like Ronaldo he has been succed in his life. Also Schumacher likes soccer as much as Ronaldo .These two famous people have been living in urope for long time. Both of them started their carrer when they were young, like Ronaldo started playing in a team when he was 12 years old. Schumacher started racing when he was 14 years old. Both of them are married and they have children . There are some difference betwen these people. First, Schumacher is a billionaire and he became the first billionaire athlete in 2005 , Ronaldo is rich but he isn't rich as much as schumacher. Second, Ronaldo won more cups in his life than Schumacher did. Finally, Schumacher is retired now, but Ronaldo still playing and he plays for A-C milano in Italy now .
5 comments:
Hi Murhaf
I enjoyed reading your paragraph because I like to read about those two famous people, but I would like to tell you that I have some ideas that may help you to improve you paragraph better.
For example:
While I was reading I did not found any transitions, you must to have some of them especially the ones from blueprints book page 127.
When you write the name of any country it start with a capital, and you had a mistake with.
Also if you make two paragraphs one with similarities and the otherone with the differences it will be better for the readers to understand.
I think, you must connect better first and last sentence.Every ideas have to be more clear.You have to use present perfect time in the first sentence:have heard and start with capital letter.
Topic/Concluding:
Good introduction. You need a concluding sentence.
Supporting Ideas:
Good idea. Organize them by putting the best idea last in a paragraph.
Transitions/Vocabulary:
Good transitions. Try using some from p. 127.
German Formula One driver
Brazilian
Like Schumacher, Ronaldo is...
succeed (verb) What is the adjective?
between
Europe
Grammar/Comparitives:
Check capitalization of names and places.
good superlatives (greatest, best)
I really enjoyed your paragraph, but here it should be "Europe".
"These two famous people have been living in urope for long time. "
Also in this sentance "difference" should be differences.
"There are some difference betwen these people."
Topic/Concluding: .15 - You should tell the reader at the beginning and end that you are going to compare similarities and differences. See first comments
Supporting Ideas: .25
Transitions/Vocabulary: .20
instead of using like - for example
Also,
Grammar/Comparatives: .20
Check capitalization and spelling.
Ronaldo is still playing for A-C Milano in Italy.
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