Feb 6, 2007
Cold Weather
What surprised me when I came first time in U.S.A
When I arrived in the United States of America I really surprised with many things. especially snow,trans poratation, and shopping malls.
I came in December 26Th 2001, during Christmas season. When i landed in Cleveland Air port along with my 4 yrs son, I walked from plain to baggage claim, I feel like we are in deep freezer. My son was walking on the floor,he was severing like anything.This is first surprise for me.
The next morning I was looking from apartment window, I saw snow everywhere,I asked my wife what is that, she told me that's snow. It's covered every thing includes roads. In my country simply i go out wearing with simple dress, But here in America I need to cover with woolen coat. This is also surprise for me.
Finally I was very happy . When I saw Christmas decorations,Nice shopping malls and clean place in everywhere.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Hi, Sivarao
These are my advices:
- United States - capital letter ;
- I "was" really surprised;
- The second sentence doesn't have verb;
- Then, you don't have to capitalise "snow", "transportation"(also one word),"big";
- Why did you number those ideas?
For number 1:
- use cpital "I" when you talk about the pronoun at the first person;
- Airport is one word;
- "I felt... we were..."
- I don't understand the sense of the third sentence;
For number 2:
- Here, you also have some missing words and "It's covered..." is wrong. It can be "It covered..." or depends what you want to say.
For number 3:
- You have a funny thing over here: "I go out wearing with a simple dress...?!?" When you say you were wearing a simple dress it means that you were dressed up with women clothes.I thing you wanted to say somenthing like that: "...I use to be dressed with light clothes....";
- after comma you never write capital letter; it can be possible only if it is a Proper Noun.
It is all about what I found wrong.
TOPIC SENTENCE: it is not so good formulated- work on it!
THE CONCLUSION: it is also unclear, unfinished, and not related with the topic.
ADJECTIVES: There are "big" malls, and "woolen" coat. Nothing is wrong with them.
Good luck !
Florea
Thank your comment about my paragraph.
I like your transitions (first, next, finally)
When I arrived in the United States of America, (I was surprised by the snow, transportation, and shopping malls.) You don't write very much about the malls. You can delete it or write more.
Good example of deep freezer.
Check spelling of these words.
transportation (1 word)
Airport (1 word)
four year old son
plain-plane
shivering- severing.
I is capitalized.
It's(It) covered every thing, includes(including) roads.
Topic/Concluding sentence: .15 Excellent topic sentence. Try to connect more to concluding sentence
Supporting sentences: .20 Good organization. Share more about shopping malls and transportation or don't include them in first sentence.
5 senses/vocabulary: .20 Good descriptions. Check spelling again.
Grammar/punctuation: .10 Some long sentences that could be shorter. Put a period(.) instead of so many commas (,) You need to use all past tense if you are telling a story about the past.
Post a Comment