Feb 6, 2007
My big surprise
Twenty year ago, I arrived for first time in the United State. I was nervous because everything for my was new.I was thinking about the big city New York, curiuos for the big building and the big everything, but, I only recived a big deception, because when I arrived to manhathan. Whole the city was different, only founded burn building, dirty strret, noises people , criminal and all that stuff. A this moment I asked to my exwife. is this new york city?, she answer, yes, and I told her, be ready, because we will move soon.
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3 comments:
Sorry for the disappointment with New York City. I suggest to use capital letters when you write about United States or Cities. The beginning of the paragraph and the end have some kind of connection but could give us more of details about, what were you expections of New York City? I noticed that you used some of the five senses and also adjetives like..."dirty streets" and " noisy people". I suggest to use the check spelling...it been really helpful for me too.
Jose,
Please read your paragraph out loud and see if you can recognize some of the changes you need to make with spelling and grammar.
How do your first and last sentence connect? Are they similar? Do they have similar ideas.
"only founded burn building" This is confusing. Can you explain more?
Can you think of another adjective besides big?
Topic/Concluding .10 They need to be similiar or connected.
Supporting sentences .15 Good examples of new things to support your topic sentence. Explain more.
5 senses/vocab .15 Some good adjectives. Describe more.
Grammar/punctuation .10 You need to review your spelling and capitalization of proper nouns (i.e. Manhattan). Also, focus on ending third person verbs with s or ed (i.e. she answered)
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