At this moment I want to work in a Police Department and to be a police officer. If I want to get this job I need to finish a couple of steps and be able to complite some criterions. First of all, I need to be US citizen. I’m planning to get this status in 3 years. Second, I must be over 20 years old. It isn’t a problem for me because I’m now 20 years old. Next, I must have high school diploma or GED, but I don't have problem with this either. Moreover I must learn English to be able to go farther. That is what I’m trying to do now, and I still need one year to finish this process. After that, I’ll take 12 months of preparatory courses in a police academy where I’ll learn “constitutional law and civil rights, state laws and local ordinances, and accident investigation. Recruits also receive training in patrol, traffic control, firearms usage, self-defense, first aid, and emergency response.” Finally, I have to pass the written and the physical exams for police officers. I think this job is for me because I want to protect the law and to fight with protesters in the streets.
7 comments:
Hi Yura,
your paragraph is very good. I wish you good luck in what you want to get. My advising for your writing is to take a closer look at the sentence "I'm planning to get this statuts in 3 years." If is "this" is "statut" and then you may reformulate it because you have to wait 3 more years to can apply for naturalization, so it can't be a plan, it is a matter of time, time that is required. It is my opinion, you can change something or not, it's your choice.
- Then, don't start a sentence with "And...".
- "a one year..." - it is enough "one year".
-"preparatory course" --- preparatory courses, because there are more than one.
- Then, after investigation close the quotation mark, then start another sentence.
- After response you won't need quotation no more.
For the sentence that start with "Finally" I would say "....I have to past the written and....", because you don't need to take them , you have to past those exams.
-And finally, I would start all the sentences that begin with "First, Second, Next...." from the the begining of the row.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Florea
Florea, thanks for your really practical advices! They helped me to see my mistakes that I didn’t see before. What about quotation marks, I used it there, because I just copied those 2 sentences in quotation marks from another author, and I want to show that it wasn’t that what I wrote by myself.
Yura your paragraph is very good. The only thing that I want to suggest you it's about the spelling for example months and the other word is the part where you wrote but it isn't the problem too I think that you should to write but I don't have problem with this either.
"I must have over 20 years old."
I must be over 20 years old.
Great transitions. Your ideas are clear and easy to follow. Great conclusion! You have a great plan!
I have a few grammar suggestions for you.
"On" is used for specific days or location of objects.
A better way to start would be "At this time..."
Review capitalization rules on wikipedia.com
"be able to some criterions."
You need a verb after able to
Check these phrases
12 months preparatory courses
In concluding
This title gives an idea about your future plan.You have used transition words and every sentence is in logic order.
Topic/Concluding .25 You could say why you want to be a police officer in first and last sentence
Supporting Sentences .25 Great
Transitions/Vocabulary .20
Good transitions
complete
criterion is already plural
Grammar/Punctuation .20
Avoid contractions
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